This is Peanut Butter Brickle. There are so many what if’s in life. What if breakfast is late?
What if Fruitycake is not a cake someday?
What if the persons learn how to finally talk dog?
Yes. There are many what if’s in life. But one what if really affects me. And that’s when I wake up, I wonder if I can overcome my sadness over missing Digby. I wonder what if I remember him each day? I wonder what if I don’t? And both scare me.
Have you ever lost someone? If we live long enough, we will. And it’s so hard! I don’t care what anyone says. You’ll always miss that one. But some days are harder than others.
And on the days that somehow you get busy or on a day that is wonderful, and you forget to remember that one, it feel like guilt.
My feelings on losing Digby have changed. In December, it will be two human years since we said goodbye. At first, remembering was awlful. The last moments seemed to overshadow our whole life together. And I was tired of that. So I tried to remember only the good parts.
And that didn’t work either. Because remembering some of the not so good parts made me laugh. And so now…most days I think to myself, what if I remember him today? How will it make me feel?
Yesterday at the river in this Georgia place, I certainly remembered him. No. We had not been there before. But I could just imagine how much he would have loved it. To jump in and drink the water. So I found out that he is always with me. Even at places we haven’t been together.
I don’t know if my feelings will change more over time. But I do know time won’t ever change my love for him. And how much I want him here.
Imagining going to that Italy place without him is hard too.
Yet he will always be a part of us and our family. Wherever we go. Wherever we don’t go. If I remember him forever, will it change anything? No. But I want to. I need to. If any of us are fortunate enough to get older, remember that not everyone gets that blessing. We will have to deal with missing the ones we love the best way we know how. And none of us know how. So we just have to try.
–Peanut Butter Brickle