Illegal U-Turn

Your Dogs Diner D60-9884

This is Sheriff Peanut Butter Brickle and I had to write a traffic report today.  On myself.

Have you ever been driving and see something and you’re like whoah! I have to turn around for that.  It could be a hamburger.  It could be some tacos or a peanut butter cookie drive-thru.  I’ve never seen one, but if I did you better know I would turn around.

But apparently, sometimes, it is illegal to do a u-turn. I guess since I am a Sheriff, I should know where these areas are.  I also guess I forgot.

So Girl Person, me and Digby were taking our evening walk. Fireworks started going off, and I tell you what, I am dern sick of them in this neighborhood.  People set them off here for any reason.  Holiday, paycheck time, or to irritate me. Mission accomplished. Deputy Digby does not put up with fireworks.  He flees like butter on a pancake.  He about yanks Girl Person’s arm off and tries to cut our walk short.  So Girl Person took him back to the house and told me that we would continue our walk, our date, me and her and that Digby could do his normal hiding out.  Cool.  I’m down with that.

I wasn’t even thinking of traffic rules, and as we were walking, I saw the most coolest dog on the block.  He is up in years and is not in such a good mood.  He’s kinda like the popular furkid on the block, but he is not having it.  He deems association with the new kids beneath him and likes to snarl like Elvis.  I really want to get to know him.  So as we were walking past, I pretended not to notice him and to act all cool too.  But then I decided that yep…it was worth turning around.  Illegal u-turn I suppose.  So I yanked Girl Person almost over and tried to get to the cool kid. Girl Person asked me what in the world I was doing.  She said that it was not Sheriff like and that I was about to have to arrest myself.  She told me that Elvis (that’s his name now) was a Katrina dog and that I should give him the respect he deserves and admire him from afar.  Well la de daaaaah.  So….I still tried to turn around as Elvis went back inside with another stink eye glance to stay off his property.  Well.  I already have an infraction for the illegal u-turn and I did not want one for trespassing too.

So let me get to writing this report on myself.  The things I have to do as Sheriff.  I am the law.  So I am letting myself off this time with a warning.  And a sentence for two peanut butter cookies.  Because I feel like it.

Ok. One last thing.  I have to tell you this as the Sheriff I am.  Be careful with all those fireworks tonight.  Keep your animals inside and be safe. That’s all for now.

-Sheriff Peanut Butter Brickle


Why Do You Have To Be Gross?

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This is Deputy Digby Pancake.  Why is Girl Person so detail oriented sometimes? I mean seriously.  Doesn’t she know that when she asks questions on our daily hike, I don’t have time to answer them. Especially when she asks me why I am so gross.  Why are you so questionable is my question.

This morning, we hiked at a spot with lots of stuff goin on.  Horse poop…take a bite.  Check!  Deer poop…step in it.  Check!  Unidentifiable poop…gaze longingly.  Check! Girl Person asked me to please stop messing with poop.  Ok. But I have to poop now that you have mentioned it so many times.

So I went to do my business when Girl Person so rudely yanked me off my spot yelling “Rattlesnake! Rattlesnake!”  You don’t  have to say it twice.  I’m outta here.  But I had already started to do my business which got all over Brickle and then I stepped in it and it was a poop extravaganza.  Girl Person said she had to save our lives and we would just have to deal with the mess. Run from the rattlesnake covered in poop…check.

That’s when I decided to try and make her job easier by rolling in more horse poop.  You know, its kinda grassy and clean smelling like that.  Finally, Girl Person sat down on the nearest poopless area.  She looked at all of us and just said “Why do you have to be gross Digby?”.  Again with the questions.

-Digby Pancake