This is Deputy Digby Pancake. You know, I am paying attention sometimes when the persons think that I am sleeping. Or eating. Or rolling in something. I may be doing all of the above, but I can multi-task. And yesterday, I read the dog blog that Sheriff Brickle wrote about the Dog Star. I did. I read it.
The blog was on my mind most of the morning. You may not know this, but Sheriff Peanut Butter Brickle has been a bit down in the dumps the past week. He has his Depression Monster like Girl Person has her’s that she has to deal with. It can give him a run for his money. Or cookies.
So when I read that the Dog Star was trying to take away some of his handsome, I thought about what I could do to help the situation. Maybe this was why he was feeling a little sad. You see, some persons say, “If momma is happy, everyone is happy.” I say “If the Sheriff is happy, everyone is happy.” And it goes without saying we needed some of the happy that the Dog Star was trying to take away. He needed all that he could get. This thing meant business with all of his shining handsomeness in the sky.
I didn’t think that there was much I could do about it. You see, our plans were to go to a new dog park yesterday morning. And I wondered how I was going to concentrate on solving this issue. I don’t really love dog parks. If I can’t escape somewhere to not listen to persons calling me back, or if I am not allowed to hump every dog I see, I generally see no point in the activity. But. When we got to this new dog park, I saw that it was different. As Girl Person let us inside, she made sure to ask other persons there if there was any way that I could escape, or any holes in the fence for me to get out. They told her that it was escape proof, and as she let me off, I did not know where to go first. I saw no fences as far as the eyes could see. I saw acres of trees to pee on, and I saw the woods!
And I was allowed to run around in here without a leash on! And then I wondered. Well, since I had no use for this leash, I could use it to solve this Dog Star problem. I was going to figure out a way to lasso this thing out of the sky! Just call me Cowboy Deputy Digby.
What did this Dog Star think that it was doing? Stealing my Sheriff’s handsome? This was not acceptable. As Deputy, I took an oath to serve and pawtect. And this was my opportunity to get in good with the Sheriff. I could do this.
As Girl Person was busy following me around like I was the Pied Piper, I searched and searched for my best spot to lasso the star down.
You may think to yourself that since it was daytime, I would not be able to see the Dog Star. But alas, all I had to do was listen. “Bark, bark, bark” was heard in the sky. I highly doubt any of the other stars like the Sun was barking. Why would it do that? No, there was only one star that barked. I knew it was there.
The Dog Star kept barking, and although it was speaking a bark language I could not quite understand because I do not live in the sky, it seemed to be telling me that it was handsome. It was saying that it was bright. It was saying that it was the most beautiful Dog Star of all. And I got really irritated at that. And it takes a lot for Digby to get irritated. Had he never met Sheriff Peanut Butter Brickle from planet Earth? There was no way that he had. He needed to be brought down to Earth to talk to the Sheriff about this. But the Sheriff was so busy just standing in the middle of the dog park doing Sheriff stuff to pay attention to my diligent efforts in bringing the Dog Star to justice.
I took the leash in my mouth which had to be pried from Girl Person’s hands, and I trotted off. This was happening. Happening right now. But as a puppy tried to chase me with my lasso, I howled my loudest hound dog howl that I could muster and let him know that I was on official police business. He backed away with a sort of admiration I saw in his eyes, and this was it. This was my chance to give Sheriff Brickle back his mojo. His handsome.
I figured that this Dog Star would not even suspect that I would be lassoing him. He had had too much off leash play for all of these years. It was time to show him some obedience school manners. I ran as fast as I could which is a trot a little faster than a gallop, and I threw up my leash. Right about time, I felt it. The rain. But no. It was not rain. This Dog Star had decided to pee on my head! NOW this was crossing the line! this was crossing the Milky Way! Only I, only me, only I again, could pee on the Sheriff’s head. Now I was mad. Madder.
Girl Person told us that a little shower never hurt anyone, but tell that to Sheriff Bricle when his fur gets messed up. I didn’t let that stop me, and as my leash lasso came tumbling back down to earth, it had it! It had the Dog Star! So why did Girl Person tell me that I had dragged my leash thru dog poop? Oh, this was no ordinary dog poop. Touche’ Dog Star. Touche’
You may have thought that I would have given up. But instead…I looked up.
With all of the stars up there, I had in fact made my point. You see, Dog Star, there is no room on earth for both you and the Sheriff’s handsome. In your Dog Star world of stars, I actually hope that you are the doggiest of them all. I hope that you sleep on other star’s couches. I hope that there are endless supplies of doggy pancakes for you. I hope that the other stars pick up after you with giant dog poop bags. And I hope that there are no other dog stars that need to be rescued. I indeed think that you are the only one. And that to me is great.
But let this be a lesson to you. Don’t mess with the Sheriff unless you want his Deputy to try and lasso you again. I may not be the brightest star ever…but I don’t need to be. You can take care of that. And Sheriff will take care of the handsome here.
I got in the car with a nodding approval from the Sheriff.
I had taken care of business, I saw a new glimmer in his eyes that said well done. “When the Sheriff is happy, everyone is happy.”
-Deputy Digby Pancake