This is Deputy Digby Pancake. Let me tell you one thing before your day gets started, or let me tell you one thing at the middle of your day, or let me tell you one thing at the end of your day. The Grand Canyon thing is scary, folks. And I really don’t want any part of it. I don’t care if it was Girl Person’s dream to see this place with me and Sheriff Brickle. I don’t care if there are pancakes in that canyon. And I can sure tell you that I don’t care if there is maple syrup to go with those pancakes in that canyon. I am outta here.
It’s been said that Sheriff Brickle is not afraid of anything except losing his handsome. And I have said that is good. Because he can be not afraid of this canyon for the both of us.
The persons and Sheriff Brickle says that the canyon is beautiful, and many people only dream of seeing it in their lifetime. Well, I suggest you go back to sleep and not come here, because it is something that will scare the pants off of you, if you like to wear pants. If I would have had pants yesterday, they would have been blown off along with my dignity.
Sure, I see why people like to gaze out into the vast openness where trees look like bushes and mountains look like anthills. Even if I knew there were pancakes in that Grand Canyon, I wouldn’t be able to see them from up here. And that my friends made it abundantly clear to me yesterday. Grand Canyon? As Deputy, it pains me to say it. You. Are. Arrested.
Some things I feel are meant to be appreciated from afar. Like Sheriff Brickle’s handsome. Some things are meant to be appreciated from up close like dead things to roll in. And if I never see you again, I will remember how your wind almost blew my pancake butt over. Well, not really, but you wanted to. Yes, on this trip, I feel I have been everywhere, man. But I didn’t ask for this.
Grand Canyon? Your beauty is breathtaking. Kinda like when you put too many pancakes in your mouth. Your presence is something that I will never forget. I didn’t know that I was afraid of heights until now. I’ve been everywhere, man. But I won’t be back here.
Deputy Digby Pancake