This is Peanut Butter Brickle. Thank you for bearing with me today. Sometimes, I may ramble. But my emotions have made me not so eloquent lately. You know how they say “dog hair, don’t care”? Then you get my point. I have a lot of dog hair.
Every day seems to bring a new emotion to me and also the persons. One minute we are speaking fondly of something that Digby did. The next minute, it is like a tsunami of emotions comes over us all. Almost three weeks after he has been gone, and I can’t get that last moments with Digby out of my head. I know that Digby would not want us to feel guilt. I know that Digby would not want that at all. So why is it so hard not to come to terms that he won’t ever be in the truck backseat with me? Why is it to hard to come to terms that he won’t be howling for dinner? Why is it so hard to come to terms that I don’t need to save him a bite of my dinner every night, and why do I still do it?
Persons say that it is hard to lose someone like Digby even though you know it is going to happen eventually someday. But what if you never believed that to be true?
What if you love someone so deeply and so magically and are so overwhelmingly grateful to them that you will not accept that? What if you hope beyond hope that a miracle may happen and you will be together and traveling and playing for eternity?
I don’t want to accept it right now and I cannot. So when me and the persons tried to keep busy yesterday and take me shopping, we forgot for a moment. But then Girl Person stopped right in the middle of the store and looked at me and told me she knew there was nothing she could do to solve this. She said somehow she imagined she could be everything to me. And she realized she could not. I knew this. But no one can be everything can they? That is what makes each relationship special. And when we got home, and she was still crying, Boy Person went to go running because, well, he was upset too. And that is when that happened. Yep. That happened again. He looked up and there was a little dog with a leash on walking down the road right into our campsite. Yep. It was happening again.
The little dog was wandering and dragging a leash. It was raining. We checked her tags and no information that worked. We asked everyone in the campground who the dog’s family was. No one knew. For two hours we tried to find her people. Other campers drove around. We got the park rangers to help. And it looked like she was going to come in the RV for the night.
Then, just as another camper gave her dinner and a bed to rest in, her persons came looking for her. Seems as though her little persons had left her outside alone. And it could have ended much worse. I could not help but think that she reminded me so much of Cuddles. Do you remember Cuddles?
She was 18. And I was getting a little attached to her right at the time she went home.
Yep. It had happened again. Another reminder, right when we were at our lowest and ready to give in to that Depression Monster. A reminder that animals need us near and far. And that you need us. Just like we need you. Just like we have always needed you from the beginning.
I am not sure what the rest of this week will bring so I can’t tell you what the coming months will look like. I do know that by reading all of your comments you sure loved my little brother. I do know that by reading all of your comments that you love me too even without my little brother. And that means a lot to me. Because I don’t feel whole. I don’t feel the same. I don’t know where my place is without him in this world.
Another day of working thru my emotions without giving up. That’s all I can do sometimes. They say it will get better or different to handle these emotions. But for now, and for this moment, I will feel grateful to have helped the little dog who reminded me so much of Cuddles. I will feel grateful that Digby gave us that example to help others with a smile.I will feel grateful for you.
-Peanut Butter Brickle