This is Sheriff Peanut Butter Brickle. Oh, it has been a long time since I have made an arrest. Not even a week, actually. But since I have arrested Texas so many times, let me keep going. Boy Person is next.
You see, it all started Friday night when Boy Person thought it was a good idea to go running on the beach in these frigid temperatures. Who does that, first of all? He put on his jacket because he couldn’t find his coat. He has been a bit scatterbrained lately. Where the coat went by the way, no one knows. Seems like everything is either breaking down or disappearing. I’d like that smell that Deputy Digby keeps making to disappear. Also his crab breath since he ate a whole, dead crab and threw up everywhere. Now that I’m thinking about it, this arrest report is a bit longer. And perhaps the breath and the smell are related. I will investigate that at a later time.
So to continue because I am getting off track, Boy Person put on his jacket and then he put on his gloves. Well, he lost his running shoes to the trash last week when antifreeze from the RV poured all over them. So he had to switch shoes, and apparently, these shoes have literally four sets of shoelaces. Now, I am no fashionista, but that seems a bit overkill as do the stripes. But as long as he is into stripes, let the shoe fit.
So there he was, running down the beach with blue striped shoes with four sets of shoelaces, two right handed gloves and an old coat. Have I mentioned we are all looking a bit worse for wear? Well, not me, but that goes without saying. Anyways, he realized that one of the sets of shoelaces had become untied. Well, he had the keys in his right handed glove and like Mickey Mouse, they were too dern big. He couldn’t tie all these shoelaces with a Mickey Mouse glove, so he sat the keys down. And then, because he was worried about running in the dark, which in retrospect would have been the only time to run in this attire, he forgot the keys were there. And kept running.
Until his shoelaces became untied. Again. And when he stopped to tie them, he remembered. He had sat the keys down. Or had he? Now, he couldn’t remember. At all. Probably because he had frostbite on the brain in my opinion. Girl Person had tried to tell him not to run in this cold. And he should have listened. Now he was going to have to go to jail.
As he ran back to the RV in the dark by now, because he had been looking for these keys with his Mickey Mouse gloves and shoelace breeding shoes, Girl Person saw his face. I saw his face. And as he asked her if she had saw any keys, she got her normal shoes without shoelaces back on and tried to help him. Now, Girl Person was not in such a good mood. You see, she had just stepped out of one of the coldest, grossest prison showers at camp around.
She was shivering, yet she knew that if they didn’t find these keys, they were in more ways of trouble than one. I patiently waited with my arrest book and handcuffs because I was giving them the opportunity to find them without interrupting my treat time. But it wasn’t looking good. After they tried to find the keys for a very long time, they gave up. They walked and walked the same path he had taken. But they were just not there.
Girl Person said there were worst things in life than losing keys. And yet, my decision was made. Boy Person. Was. Arrested. In. Texas. But this wasn’t over yet.
The persons decided that they would in fact try the next morning to find the keys.
And as we walked up and down the beach, I smelled where Boy Person had ran. The persons were totally on the wrong path and wrong part of the beach. What was wrong with them? The cold was still on their brains. I pulled Girl Person slowly over to where the keys were. Right. Dern. There. Seriously?
I have a lot of jobs. But arresting criminals and then tidying up their errors is just part of it. A Sheriff’s work is never done.
You might think that since we found the keys, I would let Boy Person out of the jailhouse. Well, think again. First of all, he interrupted our designated treat time. He got me up early to be a key detective. And in the process, he was distracted and Deputy Digby ate that crab I alluded to earlier. Boy Person. Is. Still. Arrested.
Now, today is Boy Person and Girl Person’s 24th anniversary. Seems like in all of that time, he could have learned how to hold onto keys. At least he has learned to hold onto Girl Person. But if she has to take a shower in this camp prison one more time, that may change too.
Tomorrow, we are back on the road, headed to Louisiana! If I don’t hide the keys. I kind of like it here.
-Sheriff Peanut Butter Brickle