Whoever You Are…

This is Girl Person. Have you ever wondered how long it would take someone to notice you were quiet? Not gone on vacation (what is that?) or taking a planned break. Just quiet. If you didn’t send the text you always send, make the post, show up where you normally show up or check on the people you normally check on, would somebody eventually stop and wonder where you were? Maybe you’re the person who always asks everyone else if they’re okay, but sometimes you wonder who would ask you. Maybe you’ve sat in a room full of people and still felt invisible. Maybe you’ve spent an entire day doing things for everyone around you and gone to bed wondering if any of it really mattered. Or maybe you’ve worked incredibly hard on something, put a piece of yourself into it and then watched almost no one notice.

Maybe you’ve even had one of those days when you thought, if I stopped doing all of this tomorrow, would it really change anything? I have, and this weekend I thought about it more than I want to admit.

For years, I had someone who answered that question for me without ever knowing she was answering it. My friend checked on me every single day, usually more than once. If the blog was late, she noticed. If I hadn’t posted, she noticed. If I sounded a little different, she noticed. She knew the rhythm of my days well enough to know when something wasn’t right, and I don’t think I completely understood what a gift that was while I still had it. There was an enormous comfort in knowing that somewhere in this world there was one person who would notice my silence. If something happened to me, somebody would know. Somebody would wonder why the blog wasn’t up, why I hadn’t answered or where I was.

I miss my friend for a million reasons, but this weekend I realized how much I miss simply being noticed by her. Because lately, I have felt invisible. And my phone is very quiet.

That’s a strange thing to admit when I have spent fifteen years sharing so much of my life through 2 Traveling Dogs. Every day I sit down and try to find something worth saying. I try to make someone laugh or think, and most importantly, I try to make an animal somewhere in this world a little less invisible. Yet sometimes I wonder if I have become invisible while trying so hard to make everyone else seen.

Maybe you know that feeling too. You keep doing what you’re supposed to do. You keep showing up. You keep taking care of the people or animals who depend on you. You keep answering the messages, making the meals, doing the work and figuring out whatever needs to be figured out next. From the outside, you probably look perfectly capable. Inside, you’re wondering if anyone actually sees how tired you are. Maybe like in my case, you look in the mirror and don’t even recognize your reflection.

This weekend was one of those times for me. I wondered what would happen if I simply didn’t post. If 2 Traveling Dogs went quiet. Would anyone notice? Would anyone wonder if something was wrong, or would the world just keep scrolling? Of course the world would keep going. I know that. But sometimes you want to believe that your little corner of it would notice that you were missing. So I posted. Because I felt like someone needed to see little Fruitycake.

I spend far too much time wondering if I am doing enough. Enough for animals, enough for people, enough for Fruitycake, enough for this community. I can look at everything we’ve done and somehow my brain immediately finds the thousand things we haven’t done. I think a lot of us probably do that. We measure ourselves by everything still left on the list instead of everything we somehow managed to cross off. I prayed today to be worthy of any support or prayers that came my way. How can I be worthy? I don’t know…

Right now, those feelings are probably stronger because everything feels especially uncertain. The next two weeks will likely define the timeline of when we can leave the rustico and begin whatever comes next. We have spent so much time waiting, wondering and trying not to get ahead of ourselves while also knowing that our lives and our work cannot stay suspended here forever. Even if everything goes the way we hope and our remaining time here becomes much shorter, there is still so much between here and there. There is a rustico and a mountain to prepare to leave, belongings and practical things to figure out, Fruitycake to take care of through all of it and plans we cannot completely make until we know what is happening. It’s exhausting to keep going.

And somehow, in the middle of all of that, I am trying to build the next part of our work for animals in the States. I believe in the This Is…Me project with everything I have. I want real rescue animals to be seen, believed and rescued. I want to take everything these fifteen years have taught us and use it to help animals in a new way. I want there to be something waiting for us on the other side of this mountain besides exhaustion and uncertainty. I want there to be purpose.

But believing in something doesn’t mean you don’t get tired. It doesn’t mean you don’t get discouraged, scared or overwhelmed, and it certainly doesn’t stop you from occasionally sitting there wondering whether anybody cares.

And then there was the weekend guide.

Fruitycake and I worked really hard on it. We planned it, wrote it and tried to make it special. I wanted it to be something that might make someone’s ordinary weekend feel a little less ordinary while also helping us continue this work. One person bought it, and I would be lying if I said that didn’t hurt.

I felt defeated. Because I was already feeling the way I was feeling, that one little number suddenly seemed to confirm every terrible thought already floating around in my head. Why did I spend all that time doing it? Does anyone still want what we create? Does anyone care if 2 Traveling Dogs continues? Maybe everyone would be perfectly okay without us. Maybe I wasn’t doing enough to make any of this matter anymore.

Then I stopped thinking about the number one and started thinking about the person.

There was a real person somewhere who bought it. Maybe that person needed it. Maybe they needed a reason to do something different this weekend. Maybe they needed to laugh at Fruitycake, spend an afternoon with their dog instead of worrying about everything else or simply be reminded that an ordinary life can still be a beautiful one. What if I was supposed to make that guide for that one person?

Suddenly, one didn’t feel quite so small.

And that made me start thinking about all of you, because I need you to know that I see your comments. I may not answer immediately, and some days I simply cannot keep up. There are messages I read while walking Fruitycake, making dinner, working on the animal project, dealing with everything here at the rustico, writing the next blog or trying to figure out what our life is going to look like next. Sometimes I fully intend to go back and answer and the day simply gets away from me. Please never mistake that for your words not mattering to me. They matter more than you probably know.

When you say good morning, tell Fruitycake you laughed at something he said, tell me about your dog, share one of the animals we post, purchase something we made, tell us you’ve followed us for years or simply leave a heart so I know you were there, you may think you did something very small. Sometimes it is everything. Sometimes it is exactly the thing that reminds me that I am not invisible.

And whoever you are, I need you to know something else. I need you. I really do. You have helped keep me going so that I can keep helping animals. Some of you have been here for years, some of you may have found us yesterday and some of you never comment at all but quietly read every day. Whoever you are, you are part of the reason I am still here doing this.

There have been times in my life when this community, this work and these animals gave me a reason to keep going when I wasn’t sure I had one. So when I tell you that some of you have saved my life without even knowing it, I mean it.

And maybe you’re reading this while feeling invisible yourself. Maybe nobody checks on you every morning. Maybe nobody notices when you’re quieter than usual. Maybe you’re always the one asking everyone else if they’re okay and secretly wondering why nobody asks you. Maybe you made something nobody bought, said something nobody seemed to hear, helped someone who never thanked you or spent so much time being useful to everyone else that somewhere along the way you started believing being useful was the same thing as being valuable.

Whoever you are, I need you too. The animals we are going to help need you. Someone you haven’t even met yet may need you. You could leave a comment today that keeps another person going. You could share a rescue dog that reaches the person who eventually adopts them. You could be the one person who buys something somebody almost gave up making. Or maybe you simply show up, because sometimes showing up is enormous.

My friend taught me that without ever sitting me down and explaining it. She simply showed up, day after day and message after message. She noticed me, and now that she isn’t here, I understand what an extraordinary gift that was. Maybe the best way I can honor that is to try to give a little piece of that gift to somebody else.

So whoever you are, I notice you. I’m glad you’re here, and I need you here. If you’re wondering whether you matter, maybe both of us need to stop measuring our worth by how many people notice us. Sometimes one is enough. One person checking on you, one person leaving a comment, one person buying the guide, one person noticing the dog nobody else noticed or one person simply saying, “I’m still here.”

Maybe we aren’t supposed to matter to everyone. Maybe we’re supposed to matter enormously to someone.

And whoever you are, you matter to me.

Girl Person

P.S. From Girl Person

The next two weeks may determine when we can finally leave the rustico, and we are hopeful, but there is still a lot to get through between here and there. Rain begins again next week as the rainy season starts, and even if our time here is shorter than expected, we still need groceries, fuel, supplies and necessities while preparing ourselves, Fruitycake and everything here for leaving.

If you are able to help with those immediate needs, it would mean so much to us right now:

2 Traveling Dogs Necessities:
www.tinyurl.com/2tdnecessities

Venmo travelingdogs2

Zelle rachael@2travelingdogs.com

If you would rather support our work another way, Patreon helps us continue the blog and Fruitycake’s audio blogs, and the weekend guide Fruitycake and I worked so hard on is still available. Maybe there is another “one person” out there who would enjoy it.

Patreon:
www.patreon.com/2travelingdogsrescue

Fruitycake’s “Romanticize Your Ordinary Life” Weekend Guide:
www.paypal.com/ncp/payment/4NUKPT3FWXUTG

Whether you help with necessities, purchase something, join Patreon, share an animal or simply leave a comment so I know you’re still there, thank you. After this weekend, I think I understand more than ever that one person is never “only” one person.

Sometimes one person is exactly who you needed.