This is Deputy Digby Pancake. It occurred to me yesterday that as long as we were on the beach upholding the law and everything that we were missing out on other opportunities. You know. For saving lives and everything.
The persons are busy looking for a house. So we need to amuse ourselves. So. Forget Baywatch. There are some new buff, pancake and peanut butter butts reporting for dooty here on this beach.
Most persons would walk out on this beach, and think, oh how pretty. Oh, how lovely. But for us? We see the dangers. We see the birds waiting to get ya. You know, we haven’t forgot our time in Bodega Bay.
We see the persons walking around without shoes on looking for shells and then about to fall in a pile of sea foam. That would be funny if you did that, but I am not allowed to laugh at you since I am a lifeguard now.
And we see the sharks out there. They tell me not to pee in the water. No worries. I am not going in there.
For Sheriff Brickle, he thinks that just by being buff, that makes him a good enough lifeguard. However, he also realizes that persons may pretend they need help because of this just so that they can see him flex his muscles.
As with any of my jobs, new or old, I try to figure out what food has to do with it. For me, I see no point in life rafts. What is the best way to save a life in my opinion? Uh, duh. Have a giant pancake. That alone should help whoever is in trouble. If you are drowning, you get a giant pancake. If you are about to be attacked by a shark, throw him the giant pancake instead. If you get stung by a jellyfish, walk in a fluffy, giant pancake. If you get sunburned, wear a giant pancake. Should I go on?
For Sheriff Brickle, he says that if I am saving everyone with the giant pancakes, I will need someone to keep making the pancakes because obviously, I will need to eat them too. Good thing that a fan sent us some in the mail yesterday. She knew we had a job to do. And we applaud you for your support. Also, thanks for the peanut butter, matzo and other accompaniments. We will make sure to use these in our new jobs.
The peanut butter will be lathered on Sheriff Brickle like suntan oil. The maple syrup? Good grief, I don’t need to tell you that it will be on the giant pancakes in the storehouse. Only one, two, or three however because those will be for extra emergencies. Obviously.
Even the matzo will be used for the birds to keep them away from the pancakes…I mean, you. Yes, we are protecting you.
This new job thing is working out. But as you can guess, we expect to be paid overtime for our extra jobs. And as we are fighting crime, saving lives and being buff, look for us on the beach. Lifeguards. Reporting for dooty.
-Deputy Digby Pancake