Breaking News! Boy Person Has Lost His Voice And I Have Taken Over The Airwaves
Wednesday, October 14, 2026
By Fruitycake
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This is Fruitycake, and we interrupt your regularly scheduled Wednesday for a very important announcement. I am now a broadcaster. I have my own podcast, my own microphone, my own production department and, as of yesterday, a Boy Person who has completely lost his voice. I would like to make it clear that these events are not related, although my attorney has advised me not to admit responsibility. My new weekday program is called Fruitycake’s Pawcast, and it is FOR DOGS, BY A DOG! Persons may listen, of course, but they should understand that this is a professional canine broadcasting operation and not another opportunity for them to discuss grocery prices, the weather or whether they should buy a new vacuum cleaner. Unless the vacuum cleaner has committed a crime against a dog, in which case I would be delighted to investigate.
There is one small technical difficulty with my broadcasting career. I speak dog. I have always spoken dog, and I believe I speak it exceptionally well. Unfortunately, persons have spent thousands of years living with us and still cannot understand a perfectly clear bark. I can deliver a detailed explanation about why I deserve pizza for breakfast, and Girl Person will ask whether I need to go outside. I can alert Boy Person that a squirrel is operating an unauthorized business in the apple tree, and he will say, “It’s just a squirrel.” JUST A SQUIRREL? That individual has been transporting suspicious packages through our property for months, and nobody has asked to see a permit. Fortunately, Boy Person has acquired a machine called the Barking Blabbercaster, which turns my barks into words that persons can understand. I suspect it contains several thousand wires, a miniature pizza oven and a tiny Italian man named Giuseppe who translates everything while eating focaccia.
Boy Person has been practicing with this machine constantly. He sits there with headphones, pushing buttons, making recordings, listening to them, deleting them and starting over. He has become so involved in the process that I am considering reporting him missing even though he is sitting approximately three feet away from me. Sometimes he makes a recording and says it sounds too fast. Sometimes he says it sounds too slow. Sometimes he says there is too much noise. I have suggested that he simply record me barking and let the public decide whether I am a genius. Apparently, this is not how professional broadcasting works. And now, after all this practicing, Boy Person has actually lost his voice. The man who has spent days giving me the ability to speak has lost the ability to speak himself. I believe this is the greatest technological achievement since someone figured out how to put cheese on bread.
WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR A SPECIAL PIZZA WEATHER REPORT. This is Fruitycake reporting live from the Under The Crow Rustico Weather Center, which is located approximately four inches from the refrigerator. Current conditions are mostly hungry with a ninety percent chance of mozzarella by lunchtime. A strong pepperoni front is moving in from the west, although Girl Person has informed me that no such front exists and that pepperoni is not a meteorological phenomenon. I respectfully disagree. There is a high-pressure system developing over the pizza oven, and residents are advised to remain indoors with their mouths open. We are monitoring reports of scattered olives throughout the region, which may create hazardous walking conditions and an increased likelihood of someone falling directly into a pizza. This has been your Pizza Weather Report. We now return to our regularly scheduled nonsense.
As I was saying, Boy Person has lost his voice, and I have decided that this makes me the official spokesperson for our household. Yesterday, he tried to tell me something by waving his arms and pointing toward the door. I asked him whether he needed to go outside. He shook his head. I asked him whether he wanted a treat. He shook his head again. I asked him whether he had seen a squirrel. At this point, he gave up and sat down. I cannot describe how satisfying this experience was. For years, I have been attempting to communicate important information to these persons, only to have them misunderstand me completely. Now Boy Person knows exactly what it feels like. Girl Person has told him to rest his voice, drink something warm and stop practicing for a while. He has responded by whispering something about audio levels and pointing at his phone. I believe he may need professional help, preferably from someone who specializes in broadcasting-related vocal injuries and stubbornness.
Naturally, I take my new career very seriously. I arrive at the studio each weekday prepared to deliver positive messages to dogs everywhere. I have requested a fruit-patterned executive bow tie, a swivel chair and a personal assistant who can bring me pizza between segments. Girl Person says we do not have the budget for any of those things. I have explained that it is difficult to maintain professional standards when management refuses to provide basic necessities. I have also requested that Boy Person introduce me as Fruitycake, internationally recognized canine journalist, explorer, motivational speaker and pizza correspondent. He says the introduction would be longer than the actual Pawcast. I have informed him that this is a branding issue and should be discussed with my publicist. He says I do not have a publicist. I have decided that he is no longer invited to executive meetings until his voice returns.
But there is a reason we are doing this that means much more to me than my new career, although I would still appreciate the swivel chair. I remember being a shelter dog. I remember being one of hundreds of dogs waiting for someone to notice me. Some dogs wake up each morning in comfortable homes, surrounded by familiar sounds, warm beds and persons who love them. Other dogs wake up in shelters, hearing barking, doors opening and closing, and unfamiliar footsteps. They don’t know whether today will be the day someone comes to meet them. We hope that shelters will play Fruitycake’s Pawcast each weekday so that dogs waiting for homes can hear something friendly and familiar. Maybe my voice will give them something different to listen to. Maybe a little routine and encouragement will bring some comfort. And maybe the persons listening will begin to think differently about the dogs who are still waiting. I cannot personally visit every shelter in the world, especially since Girl Person refuses to let me drive, but perhaps my voice can travel farther than my paws.
BREAKING PIZZA WEATHER UPDATE. We are receiving reports of a cold front moving through the kitchen. Girl Person has opened the refrigerator, and temperatures have dropped dramatically in the immediate vicinity of my nose. There is a possibility of shredded cheese showers, with localized accumulations of mozzarella near the cutting board. Residents should be aware that Boy Person has been spotted carrying a bag of groceries, which could indicate the formation of a major pizza system. I have issued a Pizza Watch for the entire rustico. A Pizza Warning will be issued if actual dough is observed. Please remain alert and do not panic unless cauliflower is detected.
Now, where was I? Oh yes. My special guests. Every weekday, I get to interview another animal, plant or interesting thing, and I must say that the quality of my guests is considerably higher than what I have observed on some human television programs. I have always wanted to ask a cinghiale why it believes digging up the forest without permission is acceptable behavior. I would like to ask a pigeon why it walks around Italian cities as though it owns several apartment buildings. I have questions for the olive trees about their habit of dropping slippery fruit directly onto our hiking paths, and I would particularly enjoy interviewing the pizza oven about its refusal to work faster. These interviews are important because I believe everyone deserves a chance to tell their story, although I reserve the right to interrupt if a guest begins discussing cauliflower as a legitimate pizza ingredient. Some opinions simply cannot be allowed to go unchallenged.
And then there are my Barkers! These are the dogs and persons who send me questions, and I am very interested in hearing from more of them. I want to know what is happening in your household. Has your person purchased a vacuum cleaner without consulting you? Are you being forced to sleep in a bed that is technically large enough for three dogs but somehow only accommodates one person? Has someone accused you of stealing food when there were absolutely no reliable witnesses? Is there a cat living in your house who contributes nothing toward the mortgage but insists on occupying the best chair? I am prepared to investigate these situations thoroughly. I cannot promise that my advice will be legally binding, but I can promise that it will be delivered with tremendous confidence. I have noticed that confidence seems to be the primary qualification for most television experts, and I believe I am already overqualified.
WE INTERRUPT THIS BLOG FOR AN URGENT PIZZA WEATHER BULLETIN. This is Fruitycake reporting from the mountain above Paraggi, where a developing dough system has been spotted in the kitchen. Atmospheric conditions are favorable for the formation of a large, round pizza, although Girl Person insists that the dough is actually intended for bread. I have consulted my forecasting models, which consist of staring at the dough and hoping, and I believe she is mistaken. A severe hunger advisory remains in effect until further notice. Winds are calm, visibility is excellent, and there is a one hundred percent chance that I will be standing directly behind whoever opens the oven. This concludes our emergency broadcast.
I suppose I should mention that my Pawcast is also connected to our new This Is…Me rescue project. Girl Person and Boy Person have spent fifteen years trying to Make Rescues The Breed Of Choice, and now we are finding new ways to help dogs be seen, believed and rescued. This Is…Me helps tell the stories of real shelter dogs so persons can see more than a photograph or a kennel number. The Pawcast is another way to connect with dogs and the persons who love them. We want to encourage, entertain and remind everyone that rescue dogs have personalities, feelings and stories worth hearing. I know this because I am a rescue dog with an enormous personality, several strong feelings about pizza and a story that now requires its own broadcasting equipment. We don’t know exactly how many dogs will listen or how far this little program will travel, but we believe it is worth trying. And if Boy Person eventually recovers his voice, perhaps we can even expand into television.
Of course, starting something new has presented me with a very serious personal challenge. Patience. I have been a broadcaster for approximately five minutes, and I already believe we should have several million listeners, a television contract and a bronze statue of me outside a pizza restaurant. Boy Person says these things take time. Girl Person says we need to be patient. I have pointed out that patience is not inactivity, which means somebody should be actively working on my bronze statue. Apparently, that is not what the affirmation means. I find affirmations much more enjoyable when they agree with me.
October 14 | I Will Not Rush A Good Thing Just Because I Am Impatient
TODAY’S AFFIRMATION
Some worthwhile things need time. I can prepare, participate and keep moving without forcing an outcome before it is ready. Patience is not inactivity.
I understand impatience. I have watched a pizza oven. But staring at it does not make the crust cook faster. Some things need their proper amount of time.
I think persons struggle with this, too. They start something worthwhile, and when it doesn’t become successful immediately, they wonder whether they should give up. Maybe they are trying to improve their health, change a habit, build a business, repair a relationship or begin a new chapter in life. They work hard for a few days or weeks, and then they look around expecting everything to be different. When it isn’t, they become frustrated. They start comparing their progress to someone else’s, forgetting that they have no idea how long that other person has been working or how many mistakes they made along the way. I have observed this behavior frequently in persons, usually while they are staring at their phones and sighing. Dogs rarely do this. We are more likely to stare at the refrigerator and sigh, which I believe is a much more productive use of our time.
SPECIAL PIZZA WEATHER ADVISORY. We are tracking a slow-moving system of impatience directly over the rustico. Conditions are expected to remain unsettled as Boy Person continues adjusting the Barking Blabbercaster and Girl Person reminds everyone that good things take time. A high-pressure hunger system is developing near the kitchen, but the pizza oven has not yet reached the appropriate temperature. Residents are advised not to open the oven every thirty seconds, as this may delay the arrival of dinner. I find this advice personally offensive, but meteorological science must remain objective.
There is also a difference between being patient and giving up. If Boy Person had stopped trying to figure out the Barking Blabbercaster after the first strange noise came out of it, I might still be standing here barking about pizza while Girl Person asked whether I needed to go outside. Instead, he kept working, learning and making adjustments. Admittedly, he may have overdone it slightly, considering that he now sounds like a frog attempting to whisper through a paper bag, but he has made progress. And that is what patience can look like. It isn’t always sitting quietly and waiting for the universe to deliver something wonderful. Sometimes it is trying again, making another adjustment, learning from yesterday and refusing to abandon something worthwhile simply because it isn’t perfect yet.
I think about the dogs waiting in shelters, too. They cannot make their persons arrive faster by barking louder or staring harder at the door. Believe me, I have tried both methods, and neither produced immediate results. But while they wait, other persons can keep doing things to help them. They can take better photographs, tell their stories, share their names and remind the world that every dog is an individual worth knowing. That is why our This Is…Me project is so important. A dog should not be overlooked because he is older, because his picture is blurry or because someone has decided that he isn’t the right kind of dog. Sometimes the best things in life are waiting quietly in places we haven’t thought to look. And sometimes a person needs to slow down long enough to notice them.
We are learning this lesson here at our rustico, too. There are things we want to change, plans we want to begin and questions we wish someone would answer before we finish breakfast. We have worked hard, and sometimes we are tired of waiting. But I have noticed that when Girl Person and Boy Person become impatient, they start worrying about things that haven’t even happened yet. They imagine problems, rehearse conversations and attempt to solve situations that do not currently exist. I do not understand this behavior. I prefer to worry about things that are actually happening, such as the alarming disappearance of cheese from my immediate surroundings. Perhaps the better approach is to do what we can today and allow tomorrow to arrive when it is ready. We can keep preparing without demanding that every answer appear immediately.
FINAL PIZZA WEATHER REPORT. This is Fruitycake with your extended forecast. Today, expect partly cloudy thinking with occasional showers of doubt, followed by improving conditions as patience moves into the region. Tomorrow brings a chance of progress, with scattered opportunities to try again. By the weekend, we may experience a warm front of encouragement, although results cannot be guaranteed. Pizza conditions remain favorable throughout the forecast period, provided someone remembers to purchase mozzarella. And for those of you waiting for something important in your lives, please remember that even the finest pizza cannot be rushed. The dough must rise, the oven must heat and the cheese must melt. I do not enjoy these facts, but I have verified them through extensive personal research.
So today, I am going to practice patience. I will allow Boy Person to rest his voice. I will stop checking whether our audience has reached one million listeners every seventeen minutes. I will refrain from asking Girl Person whether the pizza is ready before she has even turned on the oven. I will also try not to interrupt my special guests, although if a squirrel begins discussing property rights, I cannot guarantee my cooperation. Personal growth is a process, and I believe I have already made significant progress simply by acknowledging that I might occasionally be impatient.
Now, I have an important request for our Barkers. Please send me more questions! I need your help making this Pawcast interesting, entertaining and just a little ridiculous. I want to hear from dogs everywhere, and I would love to know what they are thinking about. Perhaps your dog has a question about friendship, food, fear, family or why persons insist on taking photographs when we are trying to sleep. Maybe your dog has a complaint about household management. Maybe your dog simply wants to know whether I prefer thin-crust or thick-crust pizza. I will consider every question carefully, although I reserve the right to become distracted if someone opens the refrigerator during the recording.
I hope you’ll listen to Fruitycake’s Pawcast and share it with your friends, especially anyone who works with rescue dogs. It is free because we want as many dogs as possible to have the opportunity to hear it. And if you’re wondering whether Boy Person will eventually recover his voice, I certainly hope so. Someone has to answer the telephone, carry the groceries and explain to Girl Person why there are seventeen recordings of me barking at a microphone. In the meantime, I am enjoying my new position as the household’s official spokesperson. I have already prepared several announcements, including a revised dinner schedule, a proposal to eliminate cauliflower from the pizza industry and a formal request that all visiting persons bring snacks.
As for the Barking Blabbercaster, I believe it is the greatest invention since the pizza cutter. Boy Person has worked very hard to make it possible, and I am proud of him, even if he currently sounds like a goose with a sore throat. I have offered to take over all verbal communication until he recovers. Girl Person says this would be exhausting. I have assured her that I am prepared to make the sacrifice.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a broadcast to record. Boy Person has just given me the signal that the microphone is ready, and I have prepared a thoughtful closing message about patience, perseverance and believing in worthwhile things.
THIS JUST IN FROM THE PIZZA WEATHER CENTER! A major cheese event has been detected in the kitchen! Repeat, a major cheese event! All available personnel are advised to report immediately to the refrigerator. We are experiencing rapidly rising excitement levels, strong winds from a swinging refrigerator door and a significant chance of mozzarella reaching the floor. This is not a drill. I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Boy Person is waving his arms at me again. Girl Person is telling me to stop barking. The Barking Blabbercaster is making a strange noise, and I believe Giuseppe may have abandoned his post.
I regret to inform you that we must end today’s broadcast early due to an emergency involving cheese.
Please remain calm.
I certainly will not.
Fruitycake 🍕🎙️🐾
P.S. From Fruitycake’s Broadcasting Department
This is Fruitycake again. My management team has asked me to make a serious announcement, so I have put on my imaginary executive bow tie. Our new Pawcast is FREE for everyone, and we hope animal shelters will play it for their dogs each weekday. Along with This Is…Me, our daily content and everything else we do to Make Rescues The Breed Of Choice, these projects take a tremendous amount of work and resources. Support has been very low, and we truly need your help to keep going. If you believe in what we’re doing, please consider joining Patreon for just $5 a month, sponsoring a rescue dog or helping with our necessities. I would greatly appreciate it, and Boy Person would probably thank you personally if he had a voice.
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Thank you for helping us continue to Make Rescues The Breed Of Choice! And if anyone knows how to get Boy Person’s voice back, please let us know. I have several important questions for him, and he is currently answering everything by pointing at things.
This is not an acceptable way to run a broadcasting company.
ONE LAST PIZZA WEATHER UPDATE: Conditions are expected to remain mostly hungry overnight, with a strong possibility of breakfast arriving tomorrow morning. Please tune in to Fruitycake’s Pawcast for further developments.
Love,
Fruitycake, President, CEO, Chief Barking Officer and Senior Pizza Meteorologist 🍕🐾❤️
