I don’t like admitting that I matter. What I mean is, I would rather be in the background any day than be on stage. Acknowledging that another living being wants me around and in fact enjoys my company are things I’m learning to accept. And also dealing with depression makes my self worth even less.
I’ve wrestled with wanting to please others and needing to take care of myself since I was a child. I learned to take my feelings into account second. And for all of my life, I’ve never felt like I was good enough. For anyone. Not even my dogs. I fake it very well. I think.
I have been so blessed to have different dogs in my life. All of them have left something with me in terms of lessons, values and joy. Eventually, when I’m older and gray, maybe all of those values will make up a decent person in me. I really hope so.
As much as I love dogs, yesterday, I learned yet another lesson from them. I’m in the middle of the biggest change in my life…moving to another country with my dogs.
To say it’s been hard to navigate the paperwork and laws and language is an understatement. As much as I can see myself there and want to see myself there, this is really, really hard! And some days I don’t know if it’s in me to keep going. Oh, hello, self doubt. There you are again. But I guess you’ve never left, have you?
I hear when others tell me to give up and I can sure understand their viewpoint. But the driven and emotional part of me wants this so bad. I want this for my family. And I want yet another adventure with my senior dog. So. Self doubt or dogs? Who will win? My dogs. Because they are cheering me on. I feel it.
I know my dogs would be happy with me anywhere. Yes. But they will be happy with me there. And to get them there I can’t give up. And sometimes I want to give up everything. Even me.
I need this challenge in my life right now to fight this depression monster. And my dogs are helping me. Self doubt will not take me down. The kisses of my dogs and confidence that they have in me to take care of them and protect them, and give them the best life possible is what I need. It’s not all I need. I need to learn confidence. I need to learn to love myself. I need to learn I matter. And I hope one day my dogs will help me get to a place you can’t travel to. It’s a place within me I’m still trying to find.