Wednesday’s Dog Blog

This is Sheriff Peanut Butter Brickle.  I have a warning for you.  Do not…I repeat…do not…take off your pants on the trails. Please.  Let Girl Person be a lesson to you.  She should serve as a lesson to all of us, except dogs, because we don’t wear pants.

Yesterday morning, we were lazy.  We didn’t get up on time and we got a late start on our hiking trails. Girl Person said that she didn’t feel bad about it because she was tired, and truth be told, she stayed up too late.  I’m a Sheriff.  I tell it like it is.  Digby and I were up on time and we were ready to go.  We got to the trails and you would think that because it is winter that it wouldn’t be hot.  Wrong. It feels like Summer right now in this Florida place. I’m not complaining…but I am.

So it was hot, hot, hot and we got lost, lost, lost.  Girl Person told us that we had to take a short cut to find our way back to our car.  I tried to anchor myself in the ground because I knew it was the wrong way. We got even more lost and Digby got even more hungry, and that is never a good thing.  We took an hour to get ourselves out of the woods, and by the time we did, Girl Person’s shoes were filled with mud, we were all irritable, and we had three miles to go to get out of there.

We started back on the trail and Girl Person gave us some water and we were set. Only three miles to go.  I felt like we were in a dessert with no peanut butter cookies or pancakes in sight.  How were we going to make it?  I didn’t have long to think about my hunger because that is when it happened.

All of a sudden, Girl Person felt something in her pants.  She threw off her backpack which had no cookies or pancakes in it and stopped.  She said that something felt weird. That is when whatever it was started slipping down to her booty and she flipped out.  Flipped out I tell you!  She started yelling, “In my pants! In my pants!” What the heck is in your pants? Do I need to arrest it or run for my life?  That is when I should have said, “My eyes! My eyes!”, because her pants came off quite quickly.  At this point, Digby had started to try and run down the trail. This Deputy doesn’t stare danger in the face, he runs from it.  And in this case I deem it appropriate that he did not stare the danger in the face because it was a naked booty.

Once Girl Person’s pants flew off, she found the issue.  A pine needle had gotten in her pants. Not a bug.  Not a snake.  Not a raccoon.  Not an antenna monster.  A plain ol’ pine needle. Now this was a waste of my time and tax payer dollars as Sheriff.

At this point, Digby saw the pine needle and figured out he was in danger. Digby really?  He flung himself forward in a mighty haste which made Girl Person fall flat on her face for that naked booty to be seen by the world. The weight of her booty stopped Digby in his tracks just long enough for Girl Person to pull up her pants.

Now, the next time you feel something in your pants, I would suggest you don’t take them off immediately and that you try to ascertain the situation. Not all situations require removal and that will be written in the arrest report. Indecent exposure is the crime.  Punishment is peanut butter cookie delivery and a promise to not embarrass us like that again. Now put on some pants.

-Sheriff Peanut Butter Brickle